When the Holidays Change: Finding Peace with Growing Up, Loss, and Letting Go

#holidays #growingup #lettinggo

At some point, you start to notice that the holidays feel, well, different. The house is quieter, the table is smaller. People have moved, families break off into their own units, and traditions you felt would last forever suddenly seem subdued. It’s jarring, isn’t it? As children, we assume that the holidays will always look the same- the same house, the same food, the same people… and then one year, it's not. Someone’s gone, someone's divorced, everyone's tired. You find yourself doing things “your own way” and realize how much of what grounded you is now just memory.

There's a kind of mourning that comes with adulthood around the holidays. It’s quiet and hard to name. You might still put up a tree or light a candle, but something feels missing, not just people but a sense of continuity. In psychodynamic work, this is about separation. Growing up means coming into your own identity, but it also means facing the loss of the fantasy that family life is permanent or unchanging. The holidays put a spotlight on these facets of modern life. They reveal where we’ve grow, and what we’ve lost along the way. And yet, when we create new traditions- when we get to stop making that despised post-Thanksgiving turkey soup and make sandwiches instead- there’s still that ache for what used to be. Many of us feel guilty when we change the holidays, like when we eat out instead of cooking, spending it with friends instead of family. It can feel like breaking some unspoken rule, like disloyalty to longstanding family traditions. Something so hard to grasp, but so fundamental is the truth that change isn’t betrayal, it's transformation. It’s a way to keep alive the past in a way that just fits right with who you are now and your family. It’s how we carry the spirit of what matters most- the meaning behind family traditions, and not the performance of it. 

One of the hardest parts of holiday change is dealing with absence, especially when someone's no longer here. There's this pressure to “stay cheerful,” to make it feel normal, even when nothing does. But grief seeks acknowledgement. When we can name who’s missing, or talk about them, we make room for love and loss to coexist. The table might look different, but the feeling is still there. It just changed shape.

Some Practices for the Changing Season

1. Let yourself grieve what’s changed. You’re allowed to miss what was. The holidays are emotional because they remind us of continuity and loss, both at once.

2. Keep a thread, not a replica. Maybe it's one treasured recipe, ornament, or another ritual that connects you to the past. You don’t need to rebuild the whole scene.

3. Create meaning consciously. Instead of recreating the old holidays without all the old players, ask yourself what you want them to mean at this moment in your life. Peace?

   Simplicity? Togetherness? Let your intention shape your rituals.

   
   

If this upcoming holiday season seems particularly difficult and you'd like to get extra support from a therapist, please feel free to reach out to us at Healing Connections and set up an intake appointment with one of our staff therapists.

click to read more

Serena Garnett, LAC

Hi, I'm Serena! I help teens and adults who are navigating the complexities of relationships, both with themselves and with others, to find relief from the weight of perfectionism and anxiety.

Call to start your therapy journey today! 201-749-1750